When You Become an Ear Not a Friend

I was talking with someone recently and I had a realisation; we’re not friends.

I know everything about her life, from childhood abuse and sibling rivalry through to a house lost to floods and marriage dramas. I talked her through postpartum depression and late-night fights with her husband and the divorce that followed. I’ve known her since school and I’ve watched her change and grow over the years since.

But today I realised we’re not actually friends; I’m just an ear.

She knows very little about me that doesn’t relate to her own life. I’m not even sure she knows where I work now, or my favourite conversation topics and interests.

The only personal stories I tell her are stories that give examples of the advice I offer for her almost daily problems and learning milestones.

I’ve never sent her an excited message starting with ‘Guess what?’ When I think of people to tell about something new and exciting, she’d never make my top twenty, even though we often talk every day.

When I’ve over excitedly mentioned success in my business or achievement in my studies, she’ll brush it off with a laugh and an “I don’t understand any of that.”

I’m not a friend, but I’m everything else; mentor, counsellor, shoulder to cry on and stand-in parent.

I get it, I do. Sometimes you need someone to be there for you while you ride the ups and downs of life. But that someone isn’t an island.

I’ve talked about my story in the media, at speaking events and through my writing, which means many people can relate it to their own lives. This means that when someone has a narcissistic relationship breakup or the discovery of abuse, they often send me a message. Sometimes it may be months or years since I’ve talked to them, but still they think of me as the go-to person to help.

I know my boundaries are something I need to work on, too. But as an eternal ‘fixer’ I like helping people reach their goals or make things work.

Sometimes, though, I wish people would stop assuming I’m the ear to listen or the person with all the answers. And sometimes it’s okay to take steps not to be that person.

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Susannah Birch

Susannah is an Internet Safety and Mental Health Activist as well as a Digital Marketer and Journalist. She is the survivor of a childhood attack which left her with a tracheostomy for eleven years. As a teenager, she was groomed by a catfish, a relationship which continued for twelve years. Susannah has completed studies in Journalism, a Birth Doula certification and most recently, a Master of Marketing.

Latest posts by Susannah Birch (see all)

• The Real (Mental Health) Reason I Like Taylor Swift - July 25, 2020
• 365 Dni (365 Days) – A Story of Stockholm Syndrome & Abuse - June 7, 2020
• When You Become an Ear Not a Friend - February 8, 2020