Dear person who called me strong, brave or inspirational.

I know you mean well and really have no better words to describe what I’ve been through (it’s ok, neither do I sometimes). Please know, though, that I never know what to say when someone tells me how strong I am. I’m sorry if I got a neutral (or even dopey) look on my face and waited for you to say something else or change the subject. 

As a survivor, I don’t see myself in these categories. To me, they’re abstract words which have no practical application to my life. Sometimes they remind me of all the times I’ve cried myself to sleep or not been able to leave the house. Or worse, they’re reminders of people who said nice things to me to make me do things I didn’t want to do.

Becoming what you admire also warped my social skills, so I am always second guessing myself and how I react in social situations. A part of me knows that you are giving me one of the biggest compliments you can give, but I can’t take it the way you mean it. I’m sorry, but you’re really putting me on the spot when you compliment me and just leave those words hanging in the air. I feel like I owe you something and I have no idea what it is.

So please, don’t compliment me and tell me how much you admire me without giving me further direction. Don’t leave me struggling for the right facial expression or reply. I’m relying on you to know what my reaction should be.

What would help is if you asked me a question or give me a way to reply that puts me at ease and is beneficial to us both. Here’s an example:

Or ask me a question which might be useful in your life:

Or ask how you can turn that inspiration into change:

Or if you want something simple:

More than anything, thank you for saying what you did. I’m sorry that I don’t have the right words to express that appreciation. I do appreciate the thought behind it, and if I was having a bad day, sometimes it’s all I need to make the rest of my day brighter.

Sincerely,

The person who’s had too many bad things
happen to know how to react to good things.

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Susannah Birch

Susannah is an Internet Safety and Mental Health Activist as well as a Digital Marketer and Journalist. She is the survivor of a childhood attack which left her with a tracheostomy for eleven years. As a teenager, she was groomed by a catfish, a relationship which continued for twelve years. Susannah has completed studies in Journalism, a Birth Doula certification and most recently, a Master of Marketing.

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