TW: Self-harm, Catfishing, Verbal/Psychological Abuse.
In the last week, I’ve received four comments about my love of Taylor Swift music; none of them positive. I thought it was about time I talked about the real reason I love Taylor Swift music and why it’s just as much about my healing journey as it is music I enjoy.
It was 2014 and I’d just found out the online teen romance I had over half my teenage years wasn’t with a teenager; it was with a man 35 years my senior who’d been using photos of his own son.
I’d begun talking to that man when I was just fifteen. But my teen years were tumultuous for other reasons too, and songs were what explained my emotions in ways I couldn’t. There were the songs that reminded me of the day my Mother swore and yelled at me on the streets of a Brisbane shopping precinct. The song that I associated with the day I walked for hours, then curled up in a patch of trees and scratched my arms over and over with sticks till they bled. There were the songs I listened to after a schoolboy told me I was unattractive and would never have a boyfriend. And there were the songs I listened to as I tried to figure out how to handle parties and alcohol and teenage romance.
Then were the songs my catfish and I used to communicate; the old songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s. There were the new hits and the dance tracks, and during the regular fights because of his gaslighting, the breakup songs.
So I decided I needed a clean slate. I needed songs that I hadn’t heard before, that didn’t have memories attached. I needed new music for my new memories.
In 2014 I listened to a cover of Taylor Swift’s This Love by Surreal. Up till that point, I’d been a local fan of Taylor’s (definition: a fan who only knows the hits and singles). After that song, though, I started listening to more of Taylor’s music, and loving it.
As Taylor went on to release Reputation and then Lover, I saw just how much a range of a range she had; there was a song for every mood and every situation. There was also the affinity with and the learning in watching her journey, and the way she got through the good and the bad things that life threw at her, from fake phone calls and her Mother’s illness to being branded in the media as the girl with a million boyfriends (not true guys – in fact all her relationships can fit in one tweet).
I can totally relate to her lyrical journey from being repressed and not talking about religion and politics and becoming the person you want to be, but are scared to be. As someone who tells stories through my writing, I get that.
I’ve also found out I’m not alone; I have quite a few friends who follow a music group or a celebrity because of things that have happened in their lives. I asked a few of my friends for comment:
“The fact I enjoy following a Youtube celebrity probably stems from the fact I was totally deprived of that kind of freedom, and enjoyment in my youth, so I live vicariously through them,” said one friend.
“Being raised in a strict religion meant I missed out on the feeling of being part of a group with a shared interest just for fun. I was lonely as a kid and being part of a lighthearted group is an easy way to make up for it,” said another.
We all cope in our own way, and we choose what we love, because of the stories we’ve lived. And I chose Taylor Swift.
- The Real (Mental Health) Reason I Like Taylor Swift - July 25, 2020
- 365 Dni (365 Days) – A Story of Stockholm Syndrome & Abuse - June 7, 2020
- When You Become an Ear Not a Friend - February 8, 2020
