When I was two years and 8 months old, my mother almost succeeding in killing me, leaving me to bleed for 40 minutes before calling emergency services. I remember it happening but time and again, people have questioned how I could possibly retain any memories from such a young age.
When I was 3 years old, I looked at my father over the dinner table and announced:
“Mum cut my throat.”
I can recall clear images of one or more knives in a saucepan on the stove while I played, oblivious, in the kitchen. I can remember a knife coming towards my face as I raised my hands, then laying on an ambulance stretcher outside, on a very bright sunny day. I can picture the inside of an ambulance and have a memory of motion. My next memory is laying on a stretcher, in a helicopter, tan seats around me. I have a vague feeling of crankiness because I wasn’t allowed to look out the window and could only see the sky from where I lay. I remember staring at my thumb in the Royal Brisbane Children’s hospital, blue jagged threads sticking out of it.
Memories Can Be Created
Memories can be created or suggested. Memories can change. But I believe that genuine memories still retain the essence of reality, no matter how it fades with time.
When I was 22 years old, I returned to the scene where the attack happened. I was amazed that everything was just as I remembered it; mediocre green walls, small kitchen, faded patterns. The only difference was that my memory had lied to me about the position of the stove; it was against the wall not the window. But as soon as I walked into that kitchen, I knew exactly what it was.
My memories are not like videos. With time they’ve faded to nothing more than snapshots. From talking to other victims of child trauma or abuse, this seems relatively unusual; most of them have repressed the memories, while my memories were always strong but are only now slowly fading, 25 years after the attack.
These Are Not My First Memories
The people who are finally convinced that I truly remember what happened claim that the memories are based on the fact I experienced severe trauma which imprinted those memories deeply onto my mind.
I don’t believe that’s true. I have three memories before my mother’s attack, at that same house.
- I can remember my mother holding me up towards a tree, which my father was sitting in, his arms reaching out for me.
- I can remember laying across my father’s arms as I kicked my legs in the nearby river.
- I can remember my mother wrapping me in a blue patterned towel, holding me towards the bath so she could wash my hair without me getting upset.
Memories can be changed by time and suggestion. But that does not mean they are not based on truth, no matter how young the person.
- The Real (Mental Health) Reason I Like Taylor Swift - July 25, 2020
- 365 Dni (365 Days) – A Story of Stockholm Syndrome & Abuse - June 7, 2020
- When You Become an Ear Not a Friend - February 8, 2020
